How to Avoid a DUI on Your Wedding Day

By Charles Norwood and Thesal Thayer ▸ 

You may have recently read the tragic story of Amber Young, a thirty-two-year-old bride-to-be from Arizona who was arrested for driving under the influence on the way to her wedding. Obviously, the story yanks at the heartstrings, and so we at Ewedrooper have compiled a list of helpful hints to assure that no one else has to go through a similar indignity on their special day.
Stock photo of shitfaced bride
1) Always drink something light. If you're going to be driving to your own wedding, hammered, stay away from the hard stuff. Try something citrusy and carbonated, like a nice Zima Clearmalt or, if you're a beer-drinking bride, a Corona Light. In fact, the only justification for drinking Corona Light, ever, is if you're driving.

2) Wear your veil down. This way your bleary, punch-drunk gaze will be sufficiently hidden from other motorists. Behind the gauzy shroud, your ruddy drunkenness will look no more incriminating than that radiant glow the whole world expects of the blushing bride. If a concerned citizen or officer of the law does ask to see your face, tell them you can't lift the veil for religious reasons.

3) Let other motorists know whose day it is. Some non-bride going too slow in your lane? Roll down the window on your way past and tell them to get their ass out of your way! It's your goddamn wedding day!

4) Create relationship drama. If you do get stopped by a law enforcement officer, say that you're actually fleeing your wedding because you just found out your spouse is cheating on you. If that doesn't get rid of that pesky copper, start providing excessive levels of detail about the infidelity (positions used, relatives involved, etc.).

5) Use seduction. If #4 doesn't work, offer the officer, whether they're male or female, a special invitation to your honeymoon suite to join in on the wedding night festivities. It's the most special of all special nights, so why not do some experimenting? Remember: you were totally wasted when it happened.

6) Carry a weapon. If the officer isn't down for a matrimonial three-way, you're going to have to speed away. It's handy to have a 9mm tucked into your garter to fend off your eventual police pursuer(s).

7) Wear flats. If a motor-vehicle collision proves unavoidable, you'll have to proceed on foot, and nine out of ten brides will tell you: flats are easier to flee in than heels. Do not for any reason stop to attend to other motorists or pedestrians you may have injured or killed, because remember: it's your day. Keep repeating this loudly as you sprint from the scene of the accident to the church.

Follow these guidelines and, unlike Ms. Young, you can still enjoy the privilege of stumbling down that aisle, plastered, passing out momentarily in the arms of the man you've settled for. On your wedding day(s), as in life, there will be times when you have to drink and drive, so at least be smart about it. Marriage is a long, slow-motion car wreck anyway, so don't risk the real thing in real-time before the vows have even been exchanged.


Charles Norwood and Thesal Thayer are the co-founders of the literary collective Norwood is the author of Epistemology Blood Epistemology: An Academic Satire. Thayer is the editor of Done to Death: the Last Zombie Anthology Ever

Image attribution: By Sarah Bresee (fainting couch) [CC BY 2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons